...i used to be bummed about having no shoes until i met a guy with no feet...

RIP Heath Ledger.

that's a bummer. a knight's tale will never be the same.

.......... so what did you do those three days you were dead?


i forced myself to make my class schedule today, and more so than ever before i realized that i have no desire to work in anything even remotely related to the criminal justice field. i think i've known that for awhile but i've kinda ignored it. now what?!?!?!?! i'm 100 credits into a 120 credit program. all i've gotten out of it is a confirmation that the majority of people in the field are extremely pessimistic, incredibly close-minded, and dress poorly. i know i have to finish for the sake of getting a degree. and i will. i'll suck it up for one more year. but then what? i'm not going to get a job just to get a job. i don't care how well it pays, or how convenient it is. noooooo possible way i'm not going to love what i do. that may sound naive and immature, but there's no reason not too. it's a big big world and there's sooooo much to do. speaking of which... i just applied to americorps. and for the sake of finding answers to some of these big life questions... i hope i get in. what better way to figure yourself out than to spend 10 months on the road working with ten complete strangers for barely any money.

i think it's fair to say that everyone wants to leave some type of lasting legacy. whether it be saving a squirrel from getting run over by a ups truck, or mentoring little kids through coaching a sports team or tutoring or any of the that jazzz. my thing, i've decided after much christmas shopping, is to change the way people view wrapping paper. there is absolutely not a single even remotely sort of good reason for the sloppy, wasteful way we all wrap gifts. not saying we should wrap presents in the sunday comics, buttttttt there are plenty of creative, classy ways to wrap a gift that doesn't involve the senseless waste of loads of paper. i understand that the concept of wrapping a gift has to do with a certain sense of care, or thoughtfulness, and you can't really just hand someone a present in the shopping bag it came in. i get that. but duderrrrrr, where's the thought in snagging a $2 roll of tacky, mass produced holiday-themed paper, and then aimlessly wrapping everything and anything in it. not even to mention the fact that you're buying paper to conceal a gift for what..... a few days tops?... only to then have it torn apart and thrown away. can you even recycle wrapping paper!!!? idk. so this is my issue. i promise i'll figure something out. an acceptable alternative. andddddddddd life will be good. possibly i'll be famous. maybe even get to shake hands with al gore.

seriously though.... think about it. use an old magazine next year.

spending a couple weeks in the ob was a lifesaver. i have a baby cousin!! a real, incredibly alive, impressionable babyyyy cousin! i developed an infatuation with the cure and fleetwood mac. learned how to play guitar. celebrated hanukah. and spent way too much, yet nowhere near enough time exploring the west village. two weeks is nothing, but i can honestly say the two i spent there changed things. they changed me. got me over some things, and into others. hopefully someday i can return even a small portion of that favor.

two days into snowboarddddddddding and my body already feels like i got into a fight with a garbage truck! strangely though, i wouldn't have it any other way.

today i met a girl born in india, raised in sweden, and currently living in buffalo. kinda makes ya feel boring eh?! the world is fucking huuuuge man. sometimes i think about how fulfilling it'd be just to live soo soooo modestly, and work simply to travel. actually, that's the plan so i guess it's more than just a thought.

first day at the og. hahaha.

i've never ever ever in 21 years tried to, nor wanted to, draw attention to my birthday. but man this year i'd do anything for just one thing.... a second chance. an honest, genuine second chance!

so i went to church tonight. that sounds weird just saying it. since i was a little kid i've been completely shutdown to the idea of church and god and everything that it encompasses for all kinds of reasons. probably most of all being the way it was forced down my throat, and all of the bordering on comical contradictions and hypocrisy displayed by the people involved in forcing it. i'm not gonna say i've pulled a complete 180 just yet, but i'm definitely breaking down some of those psychological barriers, and the cynicism, and becoming more opened to the entire idea.

sheit man. it's alllllll sheit.

"I was one of the lucky ones to have a musician/parent. My father taught me guitar as soon as my hands could decently hold one. Thankfully he never taught me how to throw a football well, because now I'd just be a drunk with an old letterman jacket and a fistful of memories."

i just read that in a mini-autobiography about jake newton. i like it.

it's crazy late. i have class crazzy early. and i can't sleep. i'm two cups of tea and six tablespoons of nyquil in, and i'm no closer to falling asleep than i was three and half hours ago when i first laid down.

i don't know if there's any connection, but i've been driving around the b-lo a lot the past few days. mostly just to kill time between classes, but it has gotten me to thinking about stuff. big picture type stuff. like... how life's kinda short and the path i'm on right now feels so forced and just not "right"?. you know those blocks you play with when you're a little tyke?...well i feel like i'm the square block trying to be forced through the round hole. idk. i know i've blown so many opportunities already, but i'm really ready now for just one more to come by. or more importantly, for me to actually see it when it does.

onnnnnn a lighter note...

tennis is on tv and i'm gradually becoming a fan. all of the guys are kind of hot. yea i said it, you can't not agree. the women are hot too but most of them are russian, or snobs, or both, and for some reason a girl with a 35 syllable name is kinda a turn off.

i ordered a new computer. which is big news cuz my current one is, ummmm how do you sayyyyy....ShEiT! no seriously i mean it. this entry is coming to you via a typewriter - messenger owl tag team effort.

good shits going down at the knox on friday. brett dennen certainly falls under, if not atop, that category.

i've become distant from many of my friends and i'm saying right now that i'm going to fix that. sorry.

tschuess.

i just stole that from a myspace friend. haha a myspace friend?? she probably joinked it from somewhere herself but i'm far too lazy to find out where. regardless, it's a profound statement and i like it.

howwww do you make a blind person see? metaphorically speaking of course. whether it is truly a blindness of sorts, or a stubbornness, or even a selfishness. possibly it's a bit of all of those. nevertheless i'm at my wit's end. i've tried to just accept it as the way it is, but i can't. nor should i have to. is that unreasonable? i know it's lame to compare relationships and life to what you see around you, but sometimes it's impossible not to. i mean there has to be some type of standard to gauge your own situation against, or compare to. fuck mannnn. wake up!! pleaseeeeeee!

i'm exhausted in every way possible and i don't like that feeling.

laaaame.