...i used to be bummed about having no shoes until i met a guy with no feet...

RIP Heath Ledger.

that's a bummer. a knight's tale will never be the same.

.......... so what did you do those three days you were dead?


i forced myself to make my class schedule today, and more so than ever before i realized that i have no desire to work in anything even remotely related to the criminal justice field. i think i've known that for awhile but i've kinda ignored it. now what?!?!?!?! i'm 100 credits into a 120 credit program. all i've gotten out of it is a confirmation that the majority of people in the field are extremely pessimistic, incredibly close-minded, and dress poorly. i know i have to finish for the sake of getting a degree. and i will. i'll suck it up for one more year. but then what? i'm not going to get a job just to get a job. i don't care how well it pays, or how convenient it is. noooooo possible way i'm not going to love what i do. that may sound naive and immature, but there's no reason not too. it's a big big world and there's sooooo much to do. speaking of which... i just applied to americorps. and for the sake of finding answers to some of these big life questions... i hope i get in. what better way to figure yourself out than to spend 10 months on the road working with ten complete strangers for barely any money.

i think it's fair to say that everyone wants to leave some type of lasting legacy. whether it be saving a squirrel from getting run over by a ups truck, or mentoring little kids through coaching a sports team or tutoring or any of the that jazzz. my thing, i've decided after much christmas shopping, is to change the way people view wrapping paper. there is absolutely not a single even remotely sort of good reason for the sloppy, wasteful way we all wrap gifts. not saying we should wrap presents in the sunday comics, buttttttt there are plenty of creative, classy ways to wrap a gift that doesn't involve the senseless waste of loads of paper. i understand that the concept of wrapping a gift has to do with a certain sense of care, or thoughtfulness, and you can't really just hand someone a present in the shopping bag it came in. i get that. but duderrrrrr, where's the thought in snagging a $2 roll of tacky, mass produced holiday-themed paper, and then aimlessly wrapping everything and anything in it. not even to mention the fact that you're buying paper to conceal a gift for what..... a few days tops?... only to then have it torn apart and thrown away. can you even recycle wrapping paper!!!? idk. so this is my issue. i promise i'll figure something out. an acceptable alternative. andddddddddd life will be good. possibly i'll be famous. maybe even get to shake hands with al gore.

seriously though.... think about it. use an old magazine next year.

spending a couple weeks in the ob was a lifesaver. i have a baby cousin!! a real, incredibly alive, impressionable babyyyy cousin! i developed an infatuation with the cure and fleetwood mac. learned how to play guitar. celebrated hanukah. and spent way too much, yet nowhere near enough time exploring the west village. two weeks is nothing, but i can honestly say the two i spent there changed things. they changed me. got me over some things, and into others. hopefully someday i can return even a small portion of that favor.

two days into snowboarddddddddding and my body already feels like i got into a fight with a garbage truck! strangely though, i wouldn't have it any other way.

i
am
wasteddddd.

which brings me to my first point........"you look like that guy from that band" is not a good pick up line. i don't mean to sound coneited, but come on now. put just a tad bit more thought into it and you'd be able to name "that" guy, or atleast "that" band.

on a much more serious note... you can't force yourself to "learn" some things. sometimes they just have to hit you. smack dab across the face. when you least expect it. yesterday that happened. i had an epiphany, if you will, and it kinda hurt. i saw everything soo soo clearly from an entirely outside perspective. to realize and truly see something that another person was trying for soo long to make you see, sucksssssssss. it's like.... why the fuck couldn't i have seen that before it was too late. it's frustrating man. i am indeed sorry. more so than sorry, i'm upset with myself. even regrettful. i don't like regret. it gets in the way of moving forward. with life. this is me being optimistic, but maybe someday scars will heal, and second chances will be given. maybe not, but nothing is for certain, and that fact is something i will always hang onto to some degree.

one more mellow dramatic entry and i promise to be more upbeat from now on. people man! it has taken some digging. two months worth of hard, very costly digging, but i think i've gotten to the bottom of a huge part of this scheitt. cuz when it all comes down to it, that's what it is. anyways here's my deal. seeing my parents get a divorce and all of that isn't that much of an issue when you're 22. it's like whatever, i'm way past needing the whole stable home thing at this age. the bummer, the most shocking, and upsetting part of it all has nothing to do with them specifically as my parents. it has to do with witnessing the volatility of love. it's like, if two people can stay together, happily together, for twenty five years and then one day just flip it off like a light switch, then what is the point. what exactly is anybody striving for when they go through all of the mumbo jumbo of a wedding, of life? why don't we all just have friends and fuck buddies. there has to be something more. there has to be the real deal. pure, honest, through-thick-and-thin, true love. obviously that is and always will be the most desirable thing in life. in my life. more so than money, power, health, or any of that stuff. but if it's really that unrealistic, or worse yet, nonexistent, then what are we here for. don't get me wrong, i'm not scared. i don't just want to settle down and get married because it's comforting and safe. i don't want a picket white fence, or a dog, or 2.2 kids. i don't want any of that. i want love. butterflies deep in your gut love. thats all i want. because when you can look at the person next to you and know, without even having to think why? or how?...when you can be so incredibly sure.... more positively sure than anything else in the entire world, that you truly love them and they love you back...then nothing else matters. it will all be good. whatever you're doing. whatever you have. whatever your situation... it will all be soooo goood. that might sound naive and unrealistic, but i know it's possible. i'll never give up on it. i'm not nuts. i'm just honest. a stubborn, honest, stupid boy.

there's so much more going on in my head about all of this, but i'm beat right now. mista journal, i think i'll come back to you.

pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. gnite man.

i'm a fucking mess. for soo many reasons i need to get my shit together emotionally. i took soo soo much for granted. if ever a cliche saying was true, the one about not knowing what you have until it's gone, is consuming me right now. i took having a functional family for granted, i took having a loving girlfriend/best friend/inspiration for granted, and i grossly underestimated the ability of life to change in a relative blink of an eye. i've dug myself such a deep hole that i think, i know, it's going to take more effort, strength, and faith than i've ever had to exert for anything else in my entire life to get out. i love challenges, but this is different. this scares me. everything is so on edge. a happy ending right now is so unpredictable. it'll work out. i mean it has to. bagillions of other people have successfully dealt with far greater problems than i'm faced with right now. i know that. but it's hard to keep a handle on that thought at all times. i think the hardest part about all of this stufffff, is the regret. the "what if's". what if i hadn't said that one fateful sentence to you in your car that night before your prom? what if i hadn't been so quick to dislike my parents? what if i hadn't taken out all of my frustration on you and stopped myself just one time from arguing with you over nothing at all really? just one time. what if i hadn't been so smothering and overbearing? i drove you so far away. i drove myself so far away from my parents. a zillion of these thoughts just fly through my head every second of every day. it's exhausting. almost torturous. i guess i'm an overly emotional person, but i absolutely wouldn't trade that for anything. cuz while it sucks right now, it makes the good times feel that much more amazing.

so clearly...like i said, i'm a mess. yea it sucks right now. yea i'll probably break down about 34 more times before this is all said and done. but it willlll eventually be all said and done. it's like that one song. life's a bittersweet symphony. it's a roller coaster. that's what makes it soo.... how do you sayyyyy.....real? idk. anywayszzz. yea i'll be ok. however things work out. or don't.

because it's always fun pulling things out of you ass, and because this entry needs to end on a much much lighter note..... statistics midterm with ho-chi-minh? went well.

so sick of living a lie. thinking and even worse, truly believing that if you do the right thing you'll be rewarded. it's straight up crap. you have to worry about yourself above allllll else. keep your guard up. always be skeptical. never gullible. never entirely caught up in the moment. love but only with just as much as is necessary. it's sad and shouldn't be that way, but reality is bitter cold, harsh, and real. you took the largest piece of me that i will ever allow one person to have again as long as i live. that might prove detrimental to my own true happiness, but it's safe. i never thought i'd say something like this, but safe keeps your heart intact. safe keeps one person's recklessness from completely breaking you. safe will keep me from ever feeling this low again. your understanding when i needed it most was pretty much nonexistent. doing the major things right for almost three years got me nowhere. it didn't get me any sort of benefit of the doubt, it didn't get me your honesty, and most of all it didn't get me you. how in the world am i supposed to overcome that and have any faith whatsoever in what's right. fuck it. fuck all of it. i loved you, i still do, and unfortunately i probably always will. and that is what hurts/sucks the most.

today i met a girl born in india, raised in sweden, and currently living in buffalo. kinda makes ya feel boring eh?! the world is fucking huuuuge man. sometimes i think about how fulfilling it'd be just to live soo soooo modestly, and work simply to travel. actually, that's the plan so i guess it's more than just a thought.

first day at the og. hahaha.

i've never ever ever in 21 years tried to, nor wanted to, draw attention to my birthday. but man this year i'd do anything for just one thing.... a second chance. an honest, genuine second chance!

so i went to church tonight. that sounds weird just saying it. since i was a little kid i've been completely shutdown to the idea of church and god and everything that it encompasses for all kinds of reasons. probably most of all being the way it was forced down my throat, and all of the bordering on comical contradictions and hypocrisy displayed by the people involved in forcing it. i'm not gonna say i've pulled a complete 180 just yet, but i'm definitely breaking down some of those psychological barriers, and the cynicism, and becoming more opened to the entire idea.

irony. fuck it.

the irony here is so frustrating that if irony were a person i'd push him in front of a bus....twice. for soo long i've been stuck in one of life's many ruts. ya know, same lame job for way too long, wasting loads of money at school and not really get anywhere, just all in all stalling on life either because i didn't want to, or because i wasn't mature enough to move onto that next step. so all that time i was in search of a jump start, that kick in the butt that would make me get my shit together. then finally, after a painfully long wait, it comes, in the form of losing the one thing i valued more than anything else in the world. i know that in terms of bettering myself as a person, that kick in the butt was oh so necessary. but, the apparent sacrifice that had to be made to do so could not have been any greater. i've gained the one thing i wanted most, at the cost of something so incredibly important to me, that it is now the one thing i want most. does that make sense?

you know how i feel. it's genuine, it's honest, and nothing nothing nothing in the world is going to change that. no amount of time, no other girl, nothing whatsoever is going to change it. that may be an intense statement, but i've spent my entire life not saying what i mean and suppressing feelings and emotions out of a shyness or fear of embarrassment. so whatever man. i have nothing else to lose, it's not like you can possibly hurt me any further. there it is. i don't care if i'm only 21 years old and realtively inexperienced when it comes to life. i know what feels right. i know enough, and i've been through enough rides on the emotional roller coaster to know what is or isn't the real deal.

how can i be sooo overwhelmed with emotion while you are soo numb? i'm going crazy. like really psycho, nervous-breakdown crazy and there's nothing i can do to fix it. i can't eat, when i do it doesn't stay down, i can't sleep, i'm terrified and lost, and there is not a single thing in my life right now that even temporarily soothes the pain. i don't mean to be so dramatic. i thought i was stronger than this. i'm not trying to get attention or anything like that, i guess i'm just reaching out for help. cuz at this point i will take it from wherever i can get it. last time wasn't nearly as difficult and i think it's because this time you've made it clear how conflicting each of our hopes and dreams and plan for life really is. it sucks because everything i said regarding that stuff i meant. sweaters and hot chocolate was something real. something i always thought about in anticipation of a truly happy time.

i really really need an out here. tonight i sunk about as low emotionally as you can possibly go without breaking for good, and that scares me. i don't wanna be so melodramatic but i can't help it. alot of people go an entire lifetime without feeling for another person the way i felt for you. i'm so grateful i was able to experience that, but at the same time it's my curse. nothing is ever going to match you. and that is, i think, what is really behind me wanting to just give up on everything.

sheit man. it's alllllll sheit.

"I was one of the lucky ones to have a musician/parent. My father taught me guitar as soon as my hands could decently hold one. Thankfully he never taught me how to throw a football well, because now I'd just be a drunk with an old letterman jacket and a fistful of memories."

i just read that in a mini-autobiography about jake newton. i like it.

obviously cliche.....but sometimes you don't really realize what you have until it's gone. it's soo soo unfortunate among other things that such is true. i took you for granted and i'm sorry. holy fuck am i sorry. all i want to do is go back in time and act differently, do differently, feel differently, but i know that's not possible. i would kill for just one final reset button. for some reason though i don't see that coming.

last time wasn't nearly as difficult. probably because it was entirely out of my control. i couldn't look back and know that had i acted differently, i'd still have you. i have a seemingly permanent lump in my throat and have to keep busy every single second of the day in order to keep from thinking about stuff.

i just this very moment realized how naive i am. i act like i'm not. ya know, put up a good front and such, but in actuality i have this "dawson's creek" view of life that's probably gonna be my undoing.

idk what i'm doing man.

it's crazy late. i have class crazzy early. and i can't sleep. i'm two cups of tea and six tablespoons of nyquil in, and i'm no closer to falling asleep than i was three and half hours ago when i first laid down.

i don't know if there's any connection, but i've been driving around the b-lo a lot the past few days. mostly just to kill time between classes, but it has gotten me to thinking about stuff. big picture type stuff. like... how life's kinda short and the path i'm on right now feels so forced and just not "right"?. you know those blocks you play with when you're a little tyke?...well i feel like i'm the square block trying to be forced through the round hole. idk. i know i've blown so many opportunities already, but i'm really ready now for just one more to come by. or more importantly, for me to actually see it when it does.

onnnnnn a lighter note...

tennis is on tv and i'm gradually becoming a fan. all of the guys are kind of hot. yea i said it, you can't not agree. the women are hot too but most of them are russian, or snobs, or both, and for some reason a girl with a 35 syllable name is kinda a turn off.

i ordered a new computer. which is big news cuz my current one is, ummmm how do you sayyyyy....ShEiT! no seriously i mean it. this entry is coming to you via a typewriter - messenger owl tag team effort.

good shits going down at the knox on friday. brett dennen certainly falls under, if not atop, that category.

i've become distant from many of my friends and i'm saying right now that i'm going to fix that. sorry.

tschuess.

i just stole that from a myspace friend. haha a myspace friend?? she probably joinked it from somewhere herself but i'm far too lazy to find out where. regardless, it's a profound statement and i like it.

howwww do you make a blind person see? metaphorically speaking of course. whether it is truly a blindness of sorts, or a stubbornness, or even a selfishness. possibly it's a bit of all of those. nevertheless i'm at my wit's end. i've tried to just accept it as the way it is, but i can't. nor should i have to. is that unreasonable? i know it's lame to compare relationships and life to what you see around you, but sometimes it's impossible not to. i mean there has to be some type of standard to gauge your own situation against, or compare to. fuck mannnn. wake up!! pleaseeeeeee!

i'm exhausted in every way possible and i don't like that feeling.

laaaame.

today's word of the day issss... "nebbish".

i'm either too stubborn or too foolish for my own good.

a change of scenery is in order.

i want, possibly even need, to just (lay? lie? lye?) in a hammock and smoke inordinate amounts of that stuffff.

i stole a book today. i picked it up in broad daylight and i stole it! i've never ever stolen anything in my entire life. not even a candy bar from 7-eleven. unnecessary story time....... i was taking the garbage out at work which takes me past the freight truck for the book outlet. the truck had just been unloaded and there were books EVERYWHERE. soo i started checking them out when i came across this book preaching about how awful sugar is for you and how much better physically you will feel by cutting sugar out of your diet. plus the cover was colorful and pretty and sheit. soooo i put the book in my pocket and left. bad mother fucking ass eh?! honestly i thought about leaving money, but who knows where it would have ended up, and i really wanted to have that book. i've read some of it tonight, and i've already learned that any type of corn causes sugar cravings. that little tid bit right there is totally worth any inner moral conflict i may have brought upon myself.


new computer. yum.

when i was little my mom used to make up words for us to use as swear words so that we didn't use the real deal. like... fiddlestix = fuck.

FIDDLESTIX high-maintenance girls!!!!! Fiddle fucking stix! screw most girls in general. i'm thinking about just focusing entirely on being 100% happy with myself, free-solo style, and then if, by chance, i happen to find happiness with someone, then that's just a most-welcome bonus.

i don't know menghhhhh. i'm tired andddd beat.

night.

who got the fresh-e-freshy

i just spent way too much time on facebook. holy ken east class of '03 group..... i'm old. dammmm skippy. i know it's all cliche and sheit but time flies like a mo fo. and i know i should at least have a bachelors degree and such by now, but i've enjoyed going every which way the past four years. i don't regret a single minute of it. except for the handful of classes i failed for really no apparent reason. laziness possibly? most definitely. i'll get there. i have respectable aspirations and goals, and someday, this decade hopefully?, i'll get there.

for now though sommersville, west virginia will do. well for this weekend i mean. i wouldn't mind if i break a leg waterfall jumping. for no reason other than to be able to reminisce and share a much exxagerated version of how i broke my leg back in the day. and cuz i want someone to make me cookies.

sooo mom is moving out and dad is coping by buying loads of fancy stuff. haha. what are you gonna do?!

sometimes i like to wear womens clothes and bake. today being one of those times, i made a cheesecake. mostly for lisa cuz she's demanding, and my dad cuz i thought he could use some, and for you cuz the 2.3 people who read this are a-ok and most deserving of a slice de cheesecake.

i have nothing else to say. i've successfully killed off my caffeine buzz and now it's crashhhh crash crashhhhhh.

good night mista' sir.

sometimes i wish we lived in a snow globe and at times you could just step out of it for a bit to get an outside perspective on things.

people suck sometimes.

i suck sometimes.

not sure where i'm going with that.

check that. i know exactly where i'm going with that. i think i'll pursue a different avenue though.

wow that's not subtle. whatever though. it's my journal eh?!

bummmmmer menghhhh!

nickel creek yesterday! when you're that good at what you do you shouldn't be allowed to take a "hiatus". i mean this in the most respectful way possible... it's like dude just shut up and play music!!!!

nickel as opposed to nickle is the most annoying word to spell.

i'm kind of getting into harry potter. i regret not checking it out way back when and hopping along for the ride this entire time, cuz i'm sure the drama and excitement of waiting for each book to come out would have been that much better. no worries though. i'm looking forward to buying all of the books in one big, expensive, swoop and just diving in.

i've been going non stop this entire summer. to the point of getting sick as a result. all i want is to just chillax for a bit. i'm sitting out the biggest hockey tournament of the year by choice. but for some reason i genuinely want, and am excited to go to the new river next week. i'm not really sure why. it's hard to explain. i've just been "blahhhhhhhhh" about everything else except going to west virginia.

dude i totally don't want to sound self-righteous or conceited or anything of that sort, but man i've gone wayy wayyy wayyyyy above and beyond what's normal. the slightest bit of reciprocation would be sooo awesome?.

i'm ready for winter.

and bed. blahhh.

night.